Dealing with Family Differences During the Holidays

Dealing with Family Differences During the Holidays

Imagine you’re sitting at the outrageously decorated holiday table that your sister spent all week creating. Your relatives are sitting around you, chatting, laughing, and grazing. From across the table, your uncle starts up a conversation with your husband about politics.

Your uncle makes a comment about an immigration policy and you completely disagree with him. You begin to feel agitated, your heart rate is increasing and your palms are starting to sweat. Your anxiety level starts to rise. What is your husband thinking? How much longer should you wait to hear your uncle out before you chime in with your opinion? Should you chime in?

There are lots of opportunities for conflict to arise at family gatherings. The beauty of human nature is that we are all different, with varying opinions. We each have unique experiences that shape who we are. Our family, like America, is a melting pot of different ideas, races, religions, political beliefs, you name it. People are always evolving and holidays are a perfect time to witness the different perspectives our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. bring to the moment.

If you find yourself struggling to keep your head above it all, try these quick tips to relax at the dinner table:

• Remember to breathe. If you feel your anger level rising, take a minute to control your breathing. The extra oxygen will help you level your feelings and the extra time will help you level your thoughts.
• Listen to understand, not to respond. You will set a great example for your other relatives if you listen with curiosity, with the goal of understanding where someone is coming from.  If you only listen to respond, you are bound to jump to conclusions. Often our conclusions come from our hearing only what we want to hear, or assigning meaning to things we don’t truly understand.
• Ask questions, create healthy communication, don’t jump to conclusions. We’re not mind readers. There is a reason your uncle or others believe what they do. Listen with curiosity to understand what those reasons are.
• Plan an escape. Briefly stepping away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable is a great coping mechanism. Separating yourself from the situation will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. When ready, you can join your loved ones back at the table and join the conversation with calm.

Take this holiday season one step at a time. Remember, you don’t have to agree with everyone. Remember that family is about acceptance, regardless of our differences. Ground yourself in your values, so you can establish the family table as a safe space for everyone. The holiday season is a perfect time to remind ourselves of the love we have for one another rather than focusing on our differences.

Happy Holidays!